forgiveness

Forgiving and healing go hand in hand.

You can’t hold onto bitterness and expect your heart to heal. There is no way around it. However, I will say forgiveness is something that can be a process just as healing..

Forgiveness will look different in each different situation.. Sometimes a relationship can be mended after discussion and time and sadly sometimes you may find that you have to go separate ways and that’s ok as well. I think the hardest cases are when it’s a conflict between a family member or someone who you can’t just cut out of your life and in those cases you have to learn a thing called “boundaries”. We will talk about boundaries and some ways that can be helpful, but first I want to address forgiveness.

The biggest key I have found to forgiving is by taking YOU out of the situation. As cliche as it sounds, do not take it personal. And trust me I know, don’t take it personal, but do you know what they did to me?!? It was a direct hit towards me! They did it purposefully to hurt me!! Girl, I KNOW ALL TOO WELL. But I also know that those thoughts do absolutely nothing but build bitterness and extra suffering. Believe it or not, whatever that person did to you is because of their own beliefs in something or struggles. Even if they told you straight to your face, it was your fault or you deserved it, whatever the case it has nothing to do with you. I PROMISE. If you take anything away from my writing, it would be this. What people do to you, how people treat you, is a direct reflection of themselves. NOT YOU. Just like you, they have struggles, hardships, thoughts, reasonings behind what they do. And although they might not be healthy reasonings, the case still remains, it’s not you. And if you can learn to take the personal aspect out of your situations you will learn to be more understanding and be able to more easily forgive.

Now don’t forget, this is a standard that you have to also uphold to yourself… So no matter what they said to you or how they offended you, how you respond is entirely YOUR CHOICE. Your reaction does NOT have to be a reflection of their actions. “But they did this” or “they treated me this way” can no longer be used as an excuse. This is not living in a “I’ll treat you as good as you treat me way”. This is deciding to walk the high road and grow up! And guess what your prize will be?? PEACE and FREEDOM. 

Now on to boundaries. Boundaries are something that are going to be a case by case thing. What worked for me might look completely different for you. My biggest suggestion is really just creating space. Healthy space gives you time to heal. Time to not be bothered. Not be re-injured. And it also is going to mean you have to talk with the other person. Setting boundaries in your mind are great, but they won’t work out very well for you if you don’t express them to the other. Although it might be a hard conversation or just sucky even having to talk to the other person, it is necessary. And this conversation HAS to be done in love. By love I mean not hateful. Not bossy. Not it’s my way or the highway. But here’s how I feel, here’s the space that I need, and here is why. Having an honest conversation with someone who hurt you is possible. And don’t be upset when your buttons still get pushed. Just express the boundaries again. Again, in love, be unshakeable. Because sometimes they don’t get it the first go round. Or the second. But eventually they will. Stand your ground and continue on with life. Pause when you need to, chat when you need to but always stay true to the boundaries you set. You can’t be wishy washy. Stick with the boundaries you made! If you don’t respect them, how do you expect the other person to? 

Then pray. Pray a lot. Pray for you, pray for them. Pray for anyone involved, children, family, etc. 

When you’re praying don’t forget to be specific. Whether it is asking God to take away certain feelings that you have for someone whether it be hate or even romantic love.. Even if its hard for you to pray for someone, ask God to help you want to. The more you do this, in a healthy environment that you have created with boundaries, the easier it will get when you see them. The easier it will be for you to contain your emotions around them. And eventually you will actually be able to breathe around them. And hopefully after staying consistent with these things you will get to have the most freeing conversation ever, which is telling them to their face that you forgive them. For me in one situation specifically this came a while after forgiving them in my heart but it was like a whole new level of breakthrough and freedom when I actually said it aloud. I highly recommend doing this, if you get the chance.

There are truly so many ins and outs to each circumstance but I firmly believe that this life is all about relationships. And with relationships comes heartbreak and pain but there is also so much love and joy to be had. Learn from the relationships that you have struggled with or lost and love freely with your whole heart to the ones that you have today. 

If you are in a hard situation and find yourself struggling with forgiveness please feel free to message me and I would happily share more in depth my experiences. I know the struggle but I’ve also experienced the freedom and it is all so worth it in the end when you do it God’s way, walking in love and forgiveness. You might feel like you are letting them off the hook by forgiving them, but what you’re really doing is letting yourself off the hook and living in freedom!